Updated: Mar 12
When my family and I found out that we were expecting our third child I was in shock! I was not expecting to have another child so soon. Although my husband and I were excited and optimistic about meeting our new little baby deep down I was feeling very uncertain.
My goal for 2020 was to focus on what I thought God called me to do finish my degree and work on my blog business. I prayed to God about these goals and instead I was given a baby (you probably think I sound completely ungrateful).
Before you judge me, please have a little grace as I share my story. Over the course of pregnancy, I came to accept the great blessing of having another child.
I finally accepted it. I tried my best to make it work; however, I noticed sudden mood swings in my 6 months of pregnancy. I became very irritable, frustrated, annoyed, unhappy, and overwhelmed.
All that I thought I was supposed to do didn’t happen at all. Every day it seemed as if it was getting harder to tend to my endeavors. For instance, I was very involved in my church. I was a part of three different ministries where some members depended on me to lead.
Unfortunately, I had to step down from my roles because I just didn’t feel connected to God like I once did. There were nights I would stay up crying. I had no idea why I was crying. There were times I couldn’t even pray. This went on until the day I gave birth.
I was really embarrassed to tell anyone, especially my family, because in our culture it is not acceptable. Therefore, it was something I didn't have the space to talk about. Eventually, I hit rock bottom. The day I gave birth I felt like everything was going wrong. Especially since my town had high COIVD-19 cases there were many limitations in the hospital.
Our son was born December 15th, 2020 at 6 pounds. His cry was so sweet and so strong. After we settled in our room, we were told that he would be sent to NICU because he was having an issue with his blood. This broke my heart. I stayed a whole week in the hospital because mentally I was not okay. I was uneasy because I didn't know if my son was going to make it or not.
Then it was time to leave, my husband and I left the hospital unable to bring our baby home. I prayed that he would be home for Christmas but he didn't. Instead, he came home the first day of Kwanzaa Umoja (unity, a time when family and friends come together to support one another). I felt relieved but still felt so down. For the whole month, we kept going back and forth to doctor's appointments. I felt like the reason my son had all these problems was because of me. I had so many different thoughts and they kept running through my mind.
However, the support I had during my pregnancy and after really helped me get through those tough times. I had a doula who was super supportive. She was the only one I shared how I was feeling with. She really encouraged me to seek therapy and a support group. At first, I did not want to admit that I was suffering from prenatal depression. I am Christian so talking about depression seems cliche (pray over it in Jesus' name and it will be gone).
Well, I didn’t want to admit that I was depressed because I knew I was being attacked by the enemy. Ultimately, I felt like I was denying or hiding from what was really going on with me. The moment I spoke this out loud, I felt relief then my healing process began.
The first thing I had to do in order to get better was admitted that I was depressed. Even though deep down I persistently didn’t want to admit it. I had to accept it by becoming aware of it and then acknowledging it.
In the Picture is my two daughters Khaleah Middle, Naeemah far Back, My son Jabari and My Doula Chanel Jones.
Looking back now as I am writing this, I understand the reason why I went through this especially during a pandemic. Everything happens for a reason. God needed me to see something that was bigger than myself. This lesson he wanted me to learn was so hard for me to see because of what I thought I wanted.
We sometimes get caught up in our plans and our circumstances. Unfortunately, we forget that the control is in God's hands. I was so mad with God because I felt so disappointed. I thought that I had to let go of my pride to acknowledge that I can't control everything. I could not control my schooling, the pandemic, the job loss, the depression, and my baby's health. All I knew was that I wanted to get better and I did. I believe you can too.
There is a scripture in the bible let go and let God. For some of us, this is hard to do because of our experiences. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.” –Psalm 34:17.
If letting go is difficult, here is what I learned; sometimes let things be. Once you let things be it shows that you're not in control anymore and you're seeking God to come in to handle the situation. In my next blog, I will share 8 things I did that helped me through the healing process of depression.
From The HealinSpace